Let’s Teach Fear to our Kids! High five!

Parenting posts. I know. I’m kicking the beehive. Especially on a really, really touchy subject. Especially because my oldest is only 3, so anybody could look at me and say “What do you know?” Well, I get to learn as a navigate this, and navigate as I learn.

But although this is a touchy subject, the teachings of people older and wiser than me have convinced me that it is so, so important. So I get to talk through it.

Image result for children discipline

Should we be teaching fear to our kids? Yes, but very, very carefully.

What kind of jerk teaches fear to their own children? What kind of jerk doesn’t?

But let me back up and define my terms.

Fear: To attribute power to someone/something, and respect its power.

Healthy fear empowers us to make decisions that avoid things we don’t like. It lets us predict dangers and steer clear.

Unhealthy fear is disempowering. We don’t know what or who is going to strike, or who is going to trigger it or how.

Healthy fear gives us control of our choices.

Unhealthy fear takes away control.

 

It is good and right to teach healthy fear to our children (“Hey, Johnny, maybe you shouldn’t touch the hot stove, buddy.”), but those who instill an unhealthy fear are often unshakingly convinced that it’s a healthy fear that they are instilling. So what is healthy fear, and what is unhealthy fear?

So for the upcoming posts, we tackle this:

  1. The child doesn’t have any fear of authority. Why?
  2. How do we make sure we aren’t overbearing jerks of parents? How do we make sure the fear we’re teaching is healthy?

Two more things.

One, these posts shall remain the farthest thing from abuse. I will not condone abuse. “What about spankings? Are those abuse? Are they not?” I won’t reveal my position, but I will say this: Wherever you are on the “Spanking” spectrum, whether you are a total non-spanker or a “My parents tanned my butt daily and I turned out fine” person, I don’t think you’ll have any problem with the following posts. In fact, your stance on spankings is irrelevant for the following posts.

Two, I’m going to be approaching this primarily from the eyes of a taekwondo instructor. I have only 3 years of parenting experience, but I’ve been teaching Taekwondo for over 15 years now.

If you’re ready for a touchy subject (I’m preparing everyone for the worst, but really? I think we’ll be just fine), then stay tuned!

Freedom from Freedom: Freedom from discipline? Or freedom OF discipline?

As we continue to explore the “freedom from freedom” thesis…the idea that freedom is found when we give up our freedoms and freedom is lost when we cling to our freedoms, we are now going to step away from more personal topics (sexual morality, money, time) and more into interpersonal topics. I believe that the freedom from freedom concept strongly affects our relationships with others as well.

But we just have one more “personal” step to get us there…so let’s talk about this magic word: “Discipline.”

What do we mean when we say “discipline”?

As you know, I’m a martial arts instructor. Discipline is a big, big thing that we teach, that we are known for, and that people want to get out of martial arts. So let me clarify what I mean when I say discipline, and some things about it.

1.      In my vocabulary, “punishment” and “discipline” might be related, but they are not synonyms.

From the instructor/parent standpoint, I am going to put it like this. Discipline shall mean “the authority telling you to do something or making you do something.” Punishment means “the consequences for doing/not doing something.”

So if I tell a kid to stand still, that is “discipline.” If I sit a kid in time-out for talking in class, that is “punishment.”

So, punishment can be a tool for discipline, but often discipline can be done without punishment. A simple reminder can be discipline.

2.      The goal of all discipline is self-discipline.

So far, every parent I have talked to agrees with me: No parent wants to call their 25 year old offspring to remind them to brush their teeth. Disciplining others is a means to an end.

Now, yes, there are some parents out there who have difficulty with that phase where they can no longer tell their kids what to do (because their kids become adults). But that is about power, not about them wanting to discipline their kids.

3.      The simplest definition of discipline that I know of: Doing stuff you don’t want to do, and not doing stuff you want to do.

I have heard lots of definitions for discipline…but I find this one to be the most practical. So far, Sarah and I have never had to “discipline” Abrielle into eating ice cream. I have not had to “force myself” to eat a Super Star from Carl’s Jr. “Discipline” only really occurs when the object either doesn’t want to do something they should do (Like do their homework) or does want to do something they shouldn’t (like punch someone in the face).

Now that we have established what we mean by discipline, let’s plug the “freedom from freedom” concept back in.

Discipline produces discipline

“Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different than it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing into a heavenly creature or a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state of the other.”

-C.S. Lewis, “Mere Christianity”

I truly believe this, and I see it in myself and in others around me. Every small decision has momentum. A good decision makes the next good decision easier. A bad decision makes the next bad decision easier, and the next good decision harder.

Our bodies teach us this lesson…the more we exercise, the easier it gets to exercise. I believe that our brains and our hearts are the same way. I remember when getting 30 hours of work a week felt difficult. But when I end up working 50 hours a week, I get used to working 50 hours a week. I also notice that after a vacation, I have to “get” used to working again. You know the feeling?

I remember, as mentioned in some of my previous posts, how difficult it was to suddenly have only $40 of blow money a month, as opposed to usually having almost my whole paycheck at my disposal. That started out feeling very difficult. I am now used to it, and I feel good about succeeding in this discipline.

The point: Having to say “NO” to things is character-forming, and a lack of that experience often has very negative symptoms.

Exhibit A: Rulers throughout history, as well as present day politicians.

Remember the saying “Absolute power corrupts absolutely”? Remember, power and influence allows people to get “yeses” where others would get no’s. Chuck Colson (Former advisor to Richard Nixon, went to jail for those things, came to Christ, started a gigantic prison ministry and wrote books) spoke of his experiences watching hardcore religious leaders, men of faith, crumple before President Nixon, agreeing with whatever he said. Nixon had power and influence. He could get people to say yes whereas others would say no. Eventually he was caught for the Watergate scandal.

I remember watching an interview of President Clinton when New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught in 2008 for laundering money for prostitution. Clinton seemed very open and candid, explaining why these scandals happen with men in political power. “You start to feel untouchable, invincible, like you can do anything.” He remembered feeling that way with the Monica Lewinsky scandal and getting burned.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that, throughout history, this is more common than not in the world of political leaders. How often in history has the leader of a nation been clinically insane, yet became the leader of a nation (The Caesars? Hitler? Stalin? Certain European Kings?) Did the people deliberately put the crazy, controlling person in power (or leave them in power)? Or did they become crazy and controlling on the way there?

 

Exhibit B: Celebrities

Many are surprised at how often celebrities divorce. Unfortunately, I think it makes perfect sense: Two people who are used to getting their own way cannot possibly enjoy a healthy marriage together, unless the two of them always want the exact same thing at the exact same time.

Or let’s take a look at child celebrities as they grow up, and how they go haywire. Justin Beiber. Miley Cyrus. Lindsay Lohan. Brittney Spears. McCaulay Culken. “But Carson, that’s what many teenagers do as they become adults. Besides, they are just more televised.” Perhaps, but that high of a percentage? And that haywire/crazy? I know a lot of teenagers. I cannot say that the majority of them are committing felonies. I also knew a lot of people back in high school. But the majority of us turned out okay, with some bumps here and there. But celebrities? Holy crap…

Exhibit C: That spoiled kid you know.

I won’t even type right here. Just…insert any ranting you would like. I will even leave you lines. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And then that kid had the audacity to_______________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Exhibit D: Parents. We will get to that one next post.

I have things that I want…and I mean really want. But I can’t plunk down the money for them. I got my Xbox One…but I still really want my own PS4. I want a tablet. I also want to replace my old iPod, a 60 GB one, which was stolen long ago. I also know that I cannot buy myself all of these things and then look at my wife and say “Look, honey! I got you a $10 Jamba Juice card!” If I get myself everything I want, I would have to get her things on her “uber” wish list.

But I have learned this: The fact that I have to say NO to these things right now is character building…and character lasts longer than stuff.

P.S. Am I against owning “stuff”? Am I against people getting what they want? Not at all. In fact, I fully acknowledge that I am a spoiled American…I get what I want far more often than most people get what they want. What I am pointing out is that when we get what we want, there are “discipline” pitfalls that must be watched out for. And I will cover that one next post as well.

I am all for “getting stuff.” But I am a staunch enemy of “discontentment.”

Phil 4:10-13 (NIV)

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” is more than just an inspirational saying for Christian MMA athletes (Jon Jones is awesome, and I am a big fan of Benson Henderson). It is the secret for being content in all things.

And remember: It happens in every small decision.

Next post: “Relational” freedom.

Autonomy vs. Obedience: Isn’t “self-rule” contradictory to Christianity?

The word “autonomy” simply means “self-rule.” And I actually believe that autonomy is GOOD, in proper context. However, it seems hard to reconcile this with what I believe the Bible teaches. But although it “seems” hard, it’s not. Follow me through this line of thought.

Self-rule: Isn’t that Biblically bad?

The Old Testament takes its readers through a roller coaster ride. The first five books, best known as the Torah (Christian theologians call it the “Pentateuch”) are Moses account of God’s creation and dealings with humanity (Genesis 1 through 11) and then God’s creation and dealings with the nation of Israel (Genesis 12 through the end of Deuteronomy). At the end of Deuteronomy, Moses dies.

Then, God appoints Joshua as Israel’s leader. Joshua is faithful, and Israel mostly follows his leadership. Therefore, Joshua is a book of victory, as the people of Israel (none of whom are trained soldiers) win military victory after military victory, because they had faith in God.

And then, after this high of victory, the reader comes across the book of Judges. Judges is, to the Bible, what every “2” of almost any trilogy is. It leaves you with this sucky feeling, like something has to be fixed.
Yes, Judges is the “Empire Strikes Back” of the Bible. The “Attack of the Clones” of the Bible. The “Goblet of Fire” of the Bible. The “Matrix Reloaded” of the Bible. There are victories in there…but the overarching theme is that things are messed up.

Anyway, one of the main motifs of the book of Judges is that every so often it says something along the lines of “In those days, there was no king in Israel, and every man did what was right in his own eyes.” The mark of Israel’s failure wasn’t that “they did bad stuff that they knew was bad.” Rather, that they decided on their own view of morality.

However, self-rule is no worse than any other ruler, Biblically speaking.

In the book of Samuel, the people demand of God a human king. God warns them, but then grants them their wish. You see, Israel was supposed to be a theocracy, ruled by God Himself. But He consents to them and grants them a human king.

Now, although there were some good kings, Israel found itself in just as bad of a state under these kings as it did when “every man did what was right in his own eyes.”

What does this have to do with today?

I do not actually believe that self-rule is good…I believe that the only being fit to rule is the All-Knowing God. But I do believe that self-rule is often a necessary step to get there.

Children should, in a sense, be ruled by their parents. The child certainly doesn’t understand what is best for themselves. But…

1)      Parents are not always godly, and

2)      Parents will not be around forever.

2.5) Parents will not be around all the time.

I believe that the greatest problem with the idea of teaching “obedience” as an end-all-be-all is this…who will they obey? Parents today…but who tomorrow?

Bragging about my own parents for a second…

My parents weren’t perfect, of course. But they did teach me how to respectfully disagree with them, by…

a)      Setting the example by respectfully disagreeing with me, and…

b)      …reinforcing, not punishing, the times where I would respectfully disagree with them…as well as…

c)      …when I disrespectfully disagreed, they punished the disrespect, not the disagreement.

Now, there were some hiccups in this process, but to this day, I actually don’t think it was a bad thing. Since my parents treated me with the same respect due an adult, I would not feel respect for any adult who treated me like a kid.

Sounds bad, doesn’t it? However, as a martial arts instructor, I have been made all too aware of the fact that not all adults are good guys. And if someone is taught to “respect them because they are an adult” or “obey them because they are an adult,” it is not easy to simply turn that training off simply because they tell you to do something inappropriate.

So the strong-willed child?

Perhaps the idea of a “strong-willed child” is every potential parent’s nightmare. But I think that it is not a curse, but a challenge that comes with a blessing: A child that has the strength to stand up to his/her parents is a child who has the strength to stand up to peer pressure. A child that disagrees and reasons with parents is a child who can disagree and reason with the atheist teacher.

And in the end? Wouldn’t a strong-willed person make themselves an enemy of God?

Wouldn’t a strong-willed person argue with God?

Maybe. And maybe not. We don’t know. But I do know this…no one else can lay down that strong will of theirs. No parent, no coach, no mentor, no one. Only that person, and that person alone, can make the decision to put their will aside and accept God’s will.

And, I suspect, the strong-willed person who devotes his life to Jesus Christ will not be stopped by needing the approval of the world.

I believe in obedience to parents and teachers…as a temporary solution. But only as a temporary solution. If your child has to disobey you in order to obey God (like when Mary was trying to summon Jesus home), will he/she be able to do it?

Are we capable of setting them up to succeed in that day?

In summary, I believe that self-rule comes one step before God-rule. We cannot lay our authority down at His feet until we have it in our hands. I wish it weren’t this way, but is there any story that shows differently?