Fire in the Fireplace: Seek out instruction

This blog won’t take long, and this is the last of this series.

 

Several Christians get married without educating themselves about sex. This is not good.

And by educating themselves about sex, I actually mean diving into conversations and books that are written by people that hold the same values as us. A Christian MUST know more than “the penis goes into the vagina.”

Some do not seek out education in this field because…

a)      It feels like a dirty topic, or

b)      This area is so close to our self-esteem that PRIDE kicks in.

Because of pride, we don’t like to admit any shortcoming or need for instruction in this area. The sexually experienced talk about how sexual experience makes it so that they can have better sex. Those that maintain their virginity up until marriage talk about how maintaining their virginity until marriage makes their sex life better than those who “were not pure at marriage.” Not too many are pursuing more sexual education from good, godly sources.

 

But sex is one of God’s greatest gifts given to us here on earth. And you know that because God programmed our brains to think about it a lot. And if it is important to us, it is safe to say that it is important to our spouses, too. Pursuing more knowledge about sex (from the right sources and teachers!) is making an investment in your marriage. Guys, would you like your future wife to do some research on how to please you? On how you can please them? Girls, would you like your future husband to do some research on how to please you?

 

Thought so.

Fire in the Fireplace: Two conflicting worlds

I think this blog post will be short.

As mentioned before, sex is one of the main areas where the world and the Church simply do not agree. Being that sex is important to us (the desire for it is programmed into us), we actually have a tendency to let our desire for sex, romance, and companionship have a LARGE role in our decision-making. How much will a man sacrifice/give up in order to win that woman? How much will a woman derail her plans for her life in order to be with that one man?

Being that sex and related topics are so important to us, so highly prioritized, so close to our hearts, it is also an area where we like to cover up our weaknesses and show off our strengths. It is not an area where we are willing to change our minds very often.

 

So as for this blog series, I am almost done. This blog series has been meant to take what I have been taught by people older and smarter than me about the topic of marital sex. I have wanted to address mistakes that we as young married couples tend to make. In order to do that, I have had to draw some light to some problems that could happen in marital sex.

 

Perhaps there are some readers who are hearing the world’s viewpoint about sex and the Church’s viewpoint about sex. Perhaps there are some readers who are on the fence between the two. And I will be honest…since I have been talking to married couples, since I have been pointing out potential errors that one of make within a married sex life, it is possible that the alternative…the world’s view of sex, might look like a far more desirable and exciting alternative.

 

And if you watch TV, read books, watch movies, or even play video games, the world will put forth their sales pitch. They will show you the “glory” of the unmarried sex life, making the idea of a married sex life with one partner look boring and tame.

 

Nice sales pitch. But is it true? No. What the media doesn’t tell you is that unmarried sex has all the same problems as married sex, plus others.

 

Media is quick to show the excitement of premarital sex. However, if you were to go out and live that lifestyle, something tells me that the excitement wouldn’t last as long as people make it sound like.

Anything unglamorous about the unmarried sex life is not usually shown on TV, unless it contributes to the drama of the TV show. Condoms? Pregnancy scares? Late periods? Failed erections? Vaginal dryness? Not being in the mood at the right time? STD’s?

Did you think that things like this happened in marriage, but not in premarital sex? Think again. All the potential problems found in marital sex are also found in extramarital sex, along with a few others.

Here are a few others.

Failure to find a partner

Let’s say that you go “clubbing” to pick up the opposite sex and get a one-night stand. You go clubbing, but you don’t have much luck. No one comes home with you. Crap.

Now let’s say you’re married. Hey! Look! You have a partner!

Misunderstood intentions

Ladies, he says that he was into you, but really he just wanted your body. Or guys…she said that she just wanted your body, but now she’s mad at you because you used her, and she really wanted more.

Now let’s say you’re married. If he just wanted your body but not you, he wouldn’t have married you. She doesn’t have to “trick” you to love her by using her body…she can be more secure in knowing that you will be with her until death.

Oh my gosh I’m pregnant!

If you know my story, then you can know where I’m coming from. The feeling of “fear” when checking a pregnancy test is so indescribably different from the feeling of “anticipation/excitement.”

Also, the sex itself changes. In one, semen is “the bad guy.” In one, semen is “the good guy.” And it is SO nice when you don’t have to be careful.

Security

I personally think that it would suck, especially for women (who often deal with more feelings of insecurity than men about body image and the like), if they knew that a guy could leave at any time. That fear would change the sex.

I believe that God designed marriage as a safe-containment zone for sex. The security of knowing that your spouse won’t leave you no matter what changes the way you are vulnerable with each other.

 

Add these to all the other problems that both marital and premarital/extramarital sex have. In the end, is the world’s view really that much better than the Church’s view?

Fire in the Fireplace: Additional notes

This post basically consists of some advice that I received from either older people with happy marriages, pastors, or books, yet I couldn’t think of where to fit it in to my other posts.

Honeymoon night…not time sensitive

I remember being asked this question at college. One of those questions where a girl would ask “What would a guy think if…” where I as a guy was asked a question which I had to answer as a representative of all guy-kind. And the question was this…

“Let’s say it’s the night after the wedding…would it be okay to not have sex until the next morning or the next day or something?”

Her rationale was simple…a wedding is an exhausting ordeal for a woman. After a long day of primping, makeup, hair pins, standing in front of a large group of people, dancing, on and on, perhaps a woman would like to relax after her wedding. Add the stress (the fear of physical pain and emotional/physical vulnerability) of the honeymoon night.

But isn’t the newlywed wife horny? Well, sure she is, probably. The question is this…do the positive factors (horniness, romance, etc.) outweigh the negative factors (hungry? Tired? Scared? Insecure? Exhausted?)?

So how did I answer the question? My answer was “If I were talking to a girl, I would say make every effort to be ready the night of. If I were talking to a guy, I would say give her an extra day.” Looking back, I would give that same answer with WAY MORE EMPHASIS on the “talking to a guy” part.

So engaged men…set your hopes on the second day. Then, if the positive factors outweigh the negative factors, you’ll have a pleasant surprise. If not, then you’re fine.

Because remember…first impressions. That first time sets a precedent. If you are more concerned about her emotional needs and if you take care of her, it will pay off as far as your married sex life is concerned. Or you can rush her before she’s ready. Is that really worth it?

If she is tired, men, offer her one more day.

One more note: Offer it to her in advance. Let her know that if she’s tired or exhausted, then you’ll wait until she’s ready. (Statistics say that chances are, she won’t be able to keep her hands off you anyway. Then you scored points by offering her that second day. And remember, scoring points will make her WANT you more! So you scored points AND did it the first night!)

“Not now…later.”

At some point in marriage, a time is coming when one of you will try to get the other one in bed, and the other isn’t into it. (Commonly husband trying to get wife, but wife not in mood, but the reversal does happen.)

Too many “rejections” is bad for one’s self-esteem, and most would actually stop after too many “no’s”. So don’t say “no.”

However, on the other end, “Yes” isn’t always a good answer, either. Men, some of us would like to live under the illusion that our wives always want to have sex with us, but it isn’t true. So we must ask in advance: What do we want our wives to do when they aren’t in the mood? And how do we reinforce that decision?

  1. Lie, have sex with us, fake an orgasm, pretend to enjoy it.
  2. Say “okay, I’m not that horny, but go ahead.” Sit back, wait for us to get done.
  3. Say “no.”

And on the other end, wives, which one do you want to do?

The best answer, the one that Sarah and I were taught in marriage counseling, was “Not now…later.”

So here’s how it works. Husband initiates. Wife, however, is not in mood. Wife honestly communicates “I’m not in the mood.” She then asks if this is an emergency (how horny are you?). If yes, man participates in humping, woman participates in functional sex (see three types of sex post). But if no, woman does not say “Good. Now go back to whatever you were doing and erase that thought from your head.”

Wives, never just plain stonewall your husband in this field. If you say no, tell him when you are going to say yes. You might say “Not now, but tonight.” You might say “Not tonight, but tomorrow.” However, whatever you say, live up to.

But what if you still aren’t horny the next day?

Well, that leads us to our next section.

The man’s self-control, the woman’s ability to “set-up” her mood

Men, it is okay to say “I’m like ‘right now’ horny…can we do it?” even if your wife isn’t in the mood. However, pull that card too many times and sex is not really going to be her favorite thing to do.

And women, it’s okay to say “not now.” But if there is no later, then suddenly other women start to look quite interesting to him. That doesn’t mean he is bad! It doesn’t mean he is going to do anything! But if he doesn’t get sex, the temptation gets stronger, little by little. Sex reduces that temptation. If you eat before going to work, you are less likely to want to steal someone else’s food. Same works here.

However, back to the men, if you CAN wait until she is in the mood, then the payoff is worth it.

However, women might object “What if I say ‘not now, tomorrow night’ but I am still not in the mood tomorrow night?” Well, you should then participate in functional sex.

However, back to the men, remember that there are many times where a woman WANTS to be horny…she just isn’t. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. She is often quite bummed that her libido is not up to the task. Be respectful of that. Be understanding.

However, back to the ladies, functional sex is not as much fun as lovemaking or humping. So the point that I want to note is this:

Ladies, you have more control over your sexual mood than you realize.

Now I am not a woman. I have not “felt” this, so I don’t know from experience. But women often teach younger women this fact, and I’ve seen it in books.

So women, let’s say that you tell your husband “Not today, tomorrow night.” You must, from that point on, begin to set yourself up for tomorrow night. There’s no guarantee, but put the chances in your favor.

If you fill your day with chores that you KNOW will stress you out, that’s bad. You need to do things that are relaxing to you. You need a back massage. You need some relax time. You need to watch a movie. You have more influence over your mood than you realize.

Again, I’m not a chick…I haven’t experienced this. I am simply regurgitating by Christian writers have taught concerning marriage. A good book for this one is “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman.

Concerning sex, the wife should always give permission before penetration.

Because men, no one is sticking anything into you, now, are they?

But seriously. If anything is going to hurt, it’s going to hurt the woman. If there has not been enough vaginal discharge, the woman is the one who is going to feel it. Therefore, men, she needs to set the pace, and she needs to invite you in.

That doesn’t mean you should raise your hand and ask permission like you are in a class, unless you’re into that sort of thing. It simply means that communication is important during sex.

Honeymooners or not…lube is not a bad thing.

For many conservative people, the idea of “lube” is embarrassing. Get over it. I was taught by our pastor as well as other older Christians that lube is a must-have on the honeymoon. I will pass that advice on.

Men, women want to be good at sex. But a woman’s body doesn’t always work the way she wants it to work. So if she doesn’t self-lubricate for you like she wants to, the effect that vaginal dryness has on her self-esteem is equivalent to how you would feel if you simply couldn’t get up an erection.

Help her out. Help yourself out. Bring lube. Then, if you CAN go all natural, go ahead.

But remember…lube can also speed up the process of foreplay.

I don’t hear any complaints there, huh?

Next post: A quick recap – Which world would we prefer?