This post basically consists of some advice that I received from either older people with happy marriages, pastors, or books, yet I couldn’t think of where to fit it in to my other posts.
Honeymoon night…not time sensitive
I remember being asked this question at college. One of those questions where a girl would ask “What would a guy think if…” where I as a guy was asked a question which I had to answer as a representative of all guy-kind. And the question was this…
“Let’s say it’s the night after the wedding…would it be okay to not have sex until the next morning or the next day or something?”
Her rationale was simple…a wedding is an exhausting ordeal for a woman. After a long day of primping, makeup, hair pins, standing in front of a large group of people, dancing, on and on, perhaps a woman would like to relax after her wedding. Add the stress (the fear of physical pain and emotional/physical vulnerability) of the honeymoon night.
But isn’t the newlywed wife horny? Well, sure she is, probably. The question is this…do the positive factors (horniness, romance, etc.) outweigh the negative factors (hungry? Tired? Scared? Insecure? Exhausted?)?
So how did I answer the question? My answer was “If I were talking to a girl, I would say make every effort to be ready the night of. If I were talking to a guy, I would say give her an extra day.” Looking back, I would give that same answer with WAY MORE EMPHASIS on the “talking to a guy” part.
So engaged men…set your hopes on the second day. Then, if the positive factors outweigh the negative factors, you’ll have a pleasant surprise. If not, then you’re fine.
Because remember…first impressions. That first time sets a precedent. If you are more concerned about her emotional needs and if you take care of her, it will pay off as far as your married sex life is concerned. Or you can rush her before she’s ready. Is that really worth it?
If she is tired, men, offer her one more day.
One more note: Offer it to her in advance. Let her know that if she’s tired or exhausted, then you’ll wait until she’s ready. (Statistics say that chances are, she won’t be able to keep her hands off you anyway. Then you scored points by offering her that second day. And remember, scoring points will make her WANT you more! So you scored points AND did it the first night!)
At some point in marriage, a time is coming when one of you will try to get the other one in bed, and the other isn’t into it. (Commonly husband trying to get wife, but wife not in mood, but the reversal does happen.)
Too many “rejections” is bad for one’s self-esteem, and most would actually stop after too many “no’s”. So don’t say “no.”
However, on the other end, “Yes” isn’t always a good answer, either. Men, some of us would like to live under the illusion that our wives always want to have sex with us, but it isn’t true. So we must ask in advance: What do we want our wives to do when they aren’t in the mood? And how do we reinforce that decision?
- Lie, have sex with us, fake an orgasm, pretend to enjoy it.
- Say “okay, I’m not that horny, but go ahead.” Sit back, wait for us to get done.
- Say “no.”
And on the other end, wives, which one do you want to do?
The best answer, the one that Sarah and I were taught in marriage counseling, was “Not now…later.”
So here’s how it works. Husband initiates. Wife, however, is not in mood. Wife honestly communicates “I’m not in the mood.” She then asks if this is an emergency (how horny are you?). If yes, man participates in humping, woman participates in functional sex (see three types of sex post). But if no, woman does not say “Good. Now go back to whatever you were doing and erase that thought from your head.”
Wives, never just plain stonewall your husband in this field. If you say no, tell him when you are going to say yes. You might say “Not now, but tonight.” You might say “Not tonight, but tomorrow.” However, whatever you say, live up to.
But what if you still aren’t horny the next day?
Well, that leads us to our next section.
The man’s self-control, the woman’s ability to “set-up” her mood
Men, it is okay to say “I’m like ‘right now’ horny…can we do it?” even if your wife isn’t in the mood. However, pull that card too many times and sex is not really going to be her favorite thing to do.
And women, it’s okay to say “not now.” But if there is no later, then suddenly other women start to look quite interesting to him. That doesn’t mean he is bad! It doesn’t mean he is going to do anything! But if he doesn’t get sex, the temptation gets stronger, little by little. Sex reduces that temptation. If you eat before going to work, you are less likely to want to steal someone else’s food. Same works here.
However, back to the men, if you CAN wait until she is in the mood, then the payoff is worth it.
However, women might object “What if I say ‘not now, tomorrow night’ but I am still not in the mood tomorrow night?” Well, you should then participate in functional sex.
However, back to the men, remember that there are many times where a woman WANTS to be horny…she just isn’t. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. She is often quite bummed that her libido is not up to the task. Be respectful of that. Be understanding.
However, back to the ladies, functional sex is not as much fun as lovemaking or humping. So the point that I want to note is this:
Ladies, you have more control over your sexual mood than you realize.
Now I am not a woman. I have not “felt” this, so I don’t know from experience. But women often teach younger women this fact, and I’ve seen it in books.
So women, let’s say that you tell your husband “Not today, tomorrow night.” You must, from that point on, begin to set yourself up for tomorrow night. There’s no guarantee, but put the chances in your favor.
If you fill your day with chores that you KNOW will stress you out, that’s bad. You need to do things that are relaxing to you. You need a back massage. You need some relax time. You need to watch a movie. You have more influence over your mood than you realize.
Again, I’m not a chick…I haven’t experienced this. I am simply regurgitating by Christian writers have taught concerning marriage. A good book for this one is “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman.
Concerning sex, the wife should always give permission before penetration.
Because men, no one is sticking anything into you, now, are they?
But seriously. If anything is going to hurt, it’s going to hurt the woman. If there has not been enough vaginal discharge, the woman is the one who is going to feel it. Therefore, men, she needs to set the pace, and she needs to invite you in.
That doesn’t mean you should raise your hand and ask permission like you are in a class, unless you’re into that sort of thing. It simply means that communication is important during sex.
Honeymooners or not…lube is not a bad thing.
For many conservative people, the idea of “lube” is embarrassing. Get over it. I was taught by our pastor as well as other older Christians that lube is a must-have on the honeymoon. I will pass that advice on.
Men, women want to be good at sex. But a woman’s body doesn’t always work the way she wants it to work. So if she doesn’t self-lubricate for you like she wants to, the effect that vaginal dryness has on her self-esteem is equivalent to how you would feel if you simply couldn’t get up an erection.
Help her out. Help yourself out. Bring lube. Then, if you CAN go all natural, go ahead.
But remember…lube can also speed up the process of foreplay.
I don’t hear any complaints there, huh?
Next post: A quick recap – Which world would we prefer?