Warning in advance: Remember what I said in that “Everybody’s favorite topic?” post to introduce this stuff? About speaking frankly and probably offending people? This post is my most blunt post.
And here’s the best part: The post that is most likely to offend conservative Christians (with whom I can be counted) is the one that they most strongly agree with. Because this is where I get to talk about advantages of virginity, as well as penises, vaginas, orgasms, and masturbation. Brace yourself!
How it was supposed to be
You don’t know why, but you find her strangely attractive. And this isn’t like that one crush you had when you were 7. You don’t just think of her as “cute,” although she is. There’s a desire there. The word “attraction” doesn’t quite describe it. In fact, “hunger” is more appropriate of a term.
Now, you’ve felt this little desire for other girls for the past three years, ever since, oh, about 13 or 14. But now, you are 17. You have learned how to make a living just doing what your family does, and you can actually support her. Not to mention, you and she have known each other for a while, and she always smiles around you. Oh, and one of her friends let slip that she kinda likes you too.
So, however the system, whether dating, courting, pay her dad, the romance starts…and eventually, after you have “hungered” for a while, you get married. And then, you go wherever you were going to go to celebrate being married, and although you have never done this before, it would seem that your body came with its own instructions as to what to do.
So you do what already seems to be programmed in, and it feels good, sure, but then…BAM!
Kind of a tingly sensation, and your leg actually almost shakes. And you have NEVER FELT THIS BEFORE…but you know that the woman you just married is the one who did it to you. And suddenly, not only is she the girl of your dreams and the love of your life, but now she is the only provider of orgasms! The girl of your dreams came with a hidden surprise!!! (Oh, and by the way, she liked it too)
But immediately after this event, somebody appears from the future, driving the DeLorean from Back to the Future. They jump out of the car and tell you, after that amazing event in which you felt something that you’ve never felt before, “If both of you would have done it with others before you got married to each other, it would’ve been so much better because you would’ve known what you were doing.”
Better? How does it get much better than that…thing…that I just experienced? You ask yourself. Suddenly, this guy gets distracted. And he just left this weird car. So you and your new wife get into the weird car time-travel device, you go into the future, and you suddenly end up in the room next to his wife, five years into their marriage, and you get to eavesdrop on her conversation with one of her friends.
“Oh, the honeymoon sex was AMAZING…” she recalls. “But after all this time, it just isn’t a big deal anymore. And sometimes…” she reflects, “I remember those single, wild and crazy days. And my sex with my husband used to be that hot…but now it’s not quite the same.”
“How did he feel about that?”
“Well, he had kinda the same history. I even remember talking with him about what we felt about waiting…but come on, it’s just too long. I mean, your hormones kick in at what, 13? 12? 11? And you get married at what, 23? 24? 25? 28? Are you kidding me? You basically feel like you’ll sexually starve to death after waiting that long!”
After listening into this conversation, you and your wife reflect upon these interactions. But not long before you go back to your own time period and have sex again, because that was amazing.
God’s design pays off.
God’s design for sex, simply stated, is one man, one woman, within the covenant (unilateral commitment) of marriage. This is, of course, under attack from society and often the subject of ridicule, and I figure it always will be.
Why I believe in it:
The quality of your honeymoon sex does not make or break your marriage.
Sarah describes our honeymoon as the happiest time of her life (Me too!). I don’t have to tell you what we did on our honeymoon, you can probably figure it out. And it was awesome. However, within six months, we looked back on our honeymoon and thought “Man, we were really bad at it.”
Now, there are some ways you can seriously set back your marital sex life by messing up on the honeymoon. And the books on it are really funny. Have sex your way without finding out what she likes sets a really bad precedent that will mess you up for a while. Sex is a big trust building moment. You don’t do it to her, and she doesn’t do it to you. You do it with each other. Run in there and shove it in…she’s gonna be gun shy for a while, and you earned it.
However, as for the quality of the experience, please. Your honeymoon sex is supposed to suck, compared to later. I once heard a friend say “Sex is like pizza. Even if it’s bad pizza, it’s still pizza.” As for me, I like Garlic Jim’s. I also love Totino’s. One is $20. One is $1. So I encourage all to-be-married couples to have lame awkward sex on your honeymoon. Then, have amazing sex later. Because it sure beats having amazing honeymoon sex and then whatever sex later.
And by the way, get it out of your head that if you do it right, your sex will be a 10 every time. You have some control over that, but not much.
Practicing self-control is not just for single Christians who are waiting
Example: You are really stinking horny. Your wife is not. However, she loves you, and she knows how you get. And, just like you asked, she is honest with you.
“I’m not horny right now, but if you’re really horny, we can do it now. Or, we can wait until tonight, and I can get ready for you.”
Now, the married sex books teach us this: Girls don’t just get horny on command (In fact, guys start to lose that ability later on as well). However, they have more control over it than they think. Thus, if the wife says “I’ll get ready later on,” she actually can take some steps to make sure that she is horny later on: A book, a bath, relaxing instead of grocery shopping and errands, which can be put off until tomorrow.
However, back with us guys, we are left with a predictament. She is offering you “I will lay back, spread legs and just take it” sex now (and she is offering it as a good wife), or she is offering to actually get into it later (Or you could ask her to fake it. I know that a lot of guys out there just love bragging to their friends about how many fake orgasms their wife does).
Neither direction is wrong, but if you can practice self-control before marriage, there is a good payoff later.
On this note, let me add this: Whether you like it or not, by the time a guy is 15, he is probably masturbating almost if not daily. I am sorry if you don’t like this info, but if you really think I’m wrong, ask any guy. This is not a good habit to bring to marriage. Because, guys, let us be frank. Remember that time you didn’t masturbate for about a week, and you felt like you were going to die, and then you masturbated again after that? As compared to when you did it every day? What was the difference?
So if you can’t handle waiting, even while you’re horny, you are practicing how to rob your wife. Spend your load before you get to her the both of you will be disappointed. Self-control is a good thing to practice.
You need to try before you buy? Are you serious?
Let’s get really blunt. Guys, every girl has a vagina. Girls, every boy has a penis, and the vagina is actually an accommodating organ. Thus, unless you are having sex with lots of different guys, research has shown that penis length and girth is not a factor in physical pleasure, because your vagina conforms itself to whatever size (However, your mental bias can greatly effect the situation). And guys, if your hand kept you happy, surely your wife couldn’t have a “not good enough vagina.”
As for non-physical factors, like sexual skill, these are things that can be learned a) from books and b) with practice and communication with your spouse. So get a book (“Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman or “Getting your sex life off to a great start” by Dr. and Mrs. Dr. Penner are both good ones) and go from there.
Also, sex is an important part of marriage, but not the important part of marriage. Guys, you want a great sex life? Take her out for dinner. Get flowers. Spend time with her. Being a sucky husband outside of the bed will affect her in bed, and you can’t do stuff in the bedroom that will make up for what happens outside the bedroom.
Coming soon: Sex as a drug