Sex: God’s design is better than yours, Part 1

Warning in advance: Remember what I said in that “Everybody’s favorite topic?” post to introduce this stuff? About speaking frankly and probably offending people? This post is my most blunt post.

And here’s the best part: The post that is most likely to offend conservative Christians (with whom I can be counted) is the one that they most strongly agree with. Because this is where I get to talk about advantages of virginity, as well as penises, vaginas, orgasms, and masturbation. Brace yourself!

How it was supposed to be

You don’t know why, but you find her strangely attractive. And this isn’t like that one crush you had when you were 7. You don’t just think of her as “cute,” although she is. There’s a desire there. The word “attraction” doesn’t quite describe it. In fact, “hunger” is more appropriate of a term.

Now, you’ve felt this little desire for other girls for the past three years, ever since, oh, about 13 or 14. But now, you are 17. You have learned how to make a living just doing what your family does, and you can actually support her. Not to mention, you and she have known each other for a while, and she always smiles around you. Oh, and one of her friends let slip that she kinda likes you too.

So, however the system, whether dating, courting, pay her dad, the romance starts…and eventually, after you have “hungered” for a while, you get married. And then, you go wherever you were going to go to celebrate being married, and although you have never done this before, it would seem that your body came with its own instructions as to what to do.

So you do what already seems to be programmed in, and it feels good, sure, but then…BAM!

Kind of a tingly sensation, and your leg actually almost shakes. And you have NEVER FELT THIS BEFORE…but you know that the woman you just married is the one who did it to you. And suddenly, not only is she the girl of your dreams and the love of your life, but now she is the only provider of orgasms! The girl of your dreams came with a hidden surprise!!! (Oh, and by the way, she liked it too)

But immediately after this event, somebody appears from the future, driving the DeLorean from Back to the Future. They jump out of the car and tell you, after that amazing event in which you felt something that you’ve never felt before, “If both of you would have done it with others before you got married to each other, it would’ve been so much better because you would’ve known what you were doing.”

Better? How does it get much better than that…thing…that I just experienced? You ask yourself. Suddenly, this guy gets distracted. And he just left this weird car. So you and your new wife get into the weird car time-travel device, you go into the future, and you suddenly end up in the room next to his wife, five years into their marriage, and you get to eavesdrop on her conversation with one of her friends.

“Oh, the honeymoon sex was AMAZING…” she recalls. “But after all this time, it just isn’t a big deal anymore. And sometimes…” she reflects, “I remember those single, wild and crazy days. And my sex with my husband used to be that hot…but now it’s not quite the same.”

“How did he feel about that?”

“Well, he had kinda the same history. I even remember talking with him about what we felt about waiting…but come on, it’s just too long. I mean, your hormones kick in at what, 13? 12? 11? And you get married at what, 23? 24? 25? 28? Are you kidding me? You basically feel like you’ll sexually starve to death after waiting that long!”

After listening into this conversation, you and your wife reflect upon these interactions. But not long before you go back to your own time period and have sex again, because that was amazing.

God’s design pays off.

God’s design for sex, simply stated, is one man, one woman, within the covenant (unilateral commitment) of marriage. This is, of course, under attack from society and often the subject of ridicule, and I figure it always will be.

Why I believe in it:

The quality of your honeymoon sex does not make or break your marriage.

Sarah describes our honeymoon as the happiest time of her life (Me too!). I don’t have to tell you what we did on our honeymoon, you can probably figure it out. And it was awesome. However, within six months, we looked back on our honeymoon and thought “Man, we were really bad at it.”

Now, there are some ways you can seriously set back your marital sex life by messing up on the honeymoon. And the books on it are really funny. Have sex your way without finding out what she likes sets a really bad precedent that will mess you up for a while. Sex is a big trust building moment. You don’t do it to her, and she doesn’t do it to you. You do it with each other. Run in there and shove it in…she’s gonna be gun shy for a while, and you earned it.

However, as for the quality of the experience, please. Your honeymoon sex is supposed to suck, compared to later. I once heard a friend say “Sex is like pizza. Even if it’s bad pizza, it’s still pizza.” As for me, I like Garlic Jim’s. I also love Totino’s. One is $20. One is $1. So I encourage all to-be-married couples to have lame awkward sex on your honeymoon. Then, have amazing sex later. Because it sure beats having amazing honeymoon sex and then whatever sex later.

And by the way, get it out of your head that if you do it right, your sex will be a 10 every time. You have some control over that, but not much.

Practicing self-control is not just for single Christians who are waiting

Example: You are really stinking horny. Your wife is not. However, she loves you, and she knows how you get. And, just like you asked, she is honest with you.

“I’m not horny right now, but if you’re really horny, we can do it now. Or, we can wait until tonight, and I can get ready for you.”

Now, the married sex books teach us this: Girls don’t just get horny on command (In fact, guys start to lose that ability later on as well). However, they have more control over it than they think. Thus, if the wife says “I’ll get ready later on,” she actually can take some steps to make sure that she is horny later on: A book, a bath, relaxing instead of grocery shopping and errands, which can be put off until tomorrow.

However, back with us guys, we are left with a predictament. She is offering you “I will lay back, spread legs and just take it” sex now (and she is offering it as a good wife), or she is offering to actually get into it later (Or you could ask her to fake it. I know that a lot of guys out there just love bragging to their friends about how many fake orgasms their wife does).

Neither direction is wrong, but if you can practice self-control before marriage, there is a good payoff later.

On this note, let me add this: Whether you like it or not, by the time a guy is 15, he is probably masturbating almost if not daily. I am sorry if you don’t like this info, but if you really think I’m wrong, ask any guy. This is not a good habit to bring to marriage. Because, guys, let us be frank. Remember that time you didn’t masturbate for about a week, and you felt like you were going to die, and then you masturbated again after that? As compared to when you did it every day? What was the difference?

So if you can’t handle waiting, even while you’re horny, you are practicing how to rob your wife. Spend your load before you get to her the both of you will be disappointed. Self-control is a good thing to practice.

You need to try before you buy? Are you serious?

Let’s get really blunt. Guys, every girl has a vagina. Girls, every boy has a penis, and the vagina is actually an accommodating organ. Thus, unless you are having sex with lots of different guys, research has shown that penis length and girth is not a factor in physical pleasure, because your vagina conforms itself to whatever size (However, your mental bias can greatly effect the situation). And guys, if your hand kept you happy, surely your wife couldn’t have a “not good enough vagina.”

As for non-physical factors, like sexual skill, these are things that can be learned a) from books and b) with practice and communication with your spouse. So get a book (“Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman or “Getting your sex life off to a great start” by Dr. and Mrs. Dr. Penner are both good ones) and go from there.

Also, sex is an important part of marriage, but not the important part of marriage. Guys, you want a great sex life? Take her out for dinner. Get flowers. Spend time with her. Being a sucky husband outside of the bed will affect her in bed, and you can’t do stuff in the bedroom that will make up for what happens outside the bedroom.

Coming soon: Sex as a drug

Sex: The world doesn’t know what it thinks, part 2

I believe that old people are smart.

Now, it’s true that some old people suffer from what psychology calls “belief bias” and/or “belief perseverance.” In other words, “The doesn’t agree with my current beliefs, therefore I disagree” or “I have believed it for a long time, therefore I won’t change my mind.”

However, let me defend them. I have been learning and practicing Taekwondo for almost 15 years. I am a 4th degree black belt, testing for my 5th degree in the summer of 2012 (Should’ve been 2011…stupid taxes). Now, although a 2nd degree (in our organization it takes about 4 to 5 years to get a 2nd degree) might learn very fast and know very much, if the 2nd degree and the 4th degree disagree about how a move should be done, take a guess at who is probably right?

Or let’s talk about the instruction of Taekwondo. I have been teaching for 11 years now. Now, I try and teach people how to teach more effectively, but time in the saddle teaches you a lot about what works and what doesn’t. So if somebody disagrees with me on how to teach students, that leads me to ask two questions. One, how good are their students, on average? (and we already talked about results last post) Two, how long have they been teaching for?

Again, if they have been teaching for 5 years, and I have been teaching for 11, who is probably right?

I digress…it is possible that they may be right. But let’s add this: What if five instructors, all having taught for over 10 years, disagree with this 5 year kiddo?

Even without knowing what they disagree on, this bears strong evidence for the case of the experienced instructor, and against the case of the junior. Thus, if a bunch of young, horny people say “Sex before marriage is okay, gotta try before you buy, right?” while a bunch of old people say “It’s a mistake!” who’s side is right?

So without further ado, here’s why I believe that sex before marriage is wrong, even before I play the “Because God said so” card (Which, for me, is all I need, because God is smarter than me).

Part II – The inconsistencies

Moral relativism is the dominant view in American society, because it is the most peaceful. In other words, “What’s right for you is right for you, and what’s right for me is right for me.” Or, more practically applied, “It’s totally cool that you are saving yourself until you’re married. That’s awesome! As for me, I believe it’s okay as long as you’re in love.” Or, more confrontationally applied, “Don’t tell me what to do, jerk. Mind your own business. I do what I want.”

However, what people really believe is often found in what they hold others to. C.S. Lewis’s first chapter of “Mere Christianity” actually expounds upon this. We believe that others should be truthful, but if we are untruthful, we believe we have a good reason. So what we truly believe is found in the standard that we hold others to.

So the first reason in this sphere that I do not believe what mainstream society says about sexual morality is that mainstream society has no idea what it thinks about sexual morality or immorality.

This is especially evident in girl’s conversations within secular society. There is a spectrum of judgment that ranges between “Prude” and “Slut”. If you do not kiss before marriage, you are a prude. If you do not play around, you are a prude. If you are a virgin, you are a prude. But then, sleep with one guy, BAM. The line changes and you are now a slut. Or maybe you’re a prude for just one guy, as opposed to being more “experienced.” Or maybe you’re a slut because you only knew him for a month. Or a week. Or a day. Everybody has a different opinion. You can sleep with multiple guys, but if you space it out enough, you are normal and not a slut.

Am I calling these girls sluts? Nope, I’m not even stepping into this playing field. I’m just saying that the world’s judgment of people is totally inconsistent.

Second, somehow, many people’s judgment of sexual morality changes as soon as they become parents. It’s okay for them or even their friends to get it on whenever, but the kids should wait until they are out of college or out of high school or whatever. Whatever the adult’s stand on morality, they hold their kids to a different standard, whatever that standard is.

Third, whenever I see someone change their mind on this area, it is mostly horny high schoolers or young adults that loosen their view on sexual morality, whereas not-as-young adults and older are the ones who tighten their view on sexual morality. Again, I think that there are some close-minded old people who never change their minds about anything, but this information still makes you have to wonder…what are the smarter and wiser people choosing? And this is also evidence that much of our decision making is based on feelings/personal preference and not on Truth.

And by the way, if you think that truth is a matter of preference, I remind you: That type of thinking works nowhere in the universe. I would prefer that people not die of cancer. I would also prefer that my wife found video gaming to be a romantic endeavor that inevitably ended in passionate lovemaking. That preference doesn’t seem to be changing anything.

Fourth, “sex as a drug,” will be covered next blog, but instead of staying on the offensive, I get to defend my own beliefs next round.

Coming next blog: Why God’s design is pretty freakin’ brilliant.

Sex: The world doesn’t know what it thinks, part 1

Even though we Christian’s love to say “the world says” before we say something that we disagree with, there are actually several things that “the world” (aka the majority of people on earth) and Christians agree upon. We agree that murder is bad. We agree that giving to charity is a good, noble thing. We agree about integrity: That a person who says one thing and does another is bad, but a person who can stick to his ideals and practice what he preaches is good.

However , the world and Christianity do not agree about sex.

Now calm down…I know that this new information rocks your entire world because you had NO IDEA, but bear with me as we continue. </sarcasm>

Some atheist friends asked me in the past why I believed in creation and not evolution. I did not go into science, because I am not as well versed as most in that area. I simply said what is true about my own thoughts: Evolution as a theory for the origin of mankind and life fails to convince me. I could go further, but instead of being on the defensive and giving theories about creation and letting them attack based on their extensive study, I started with their holes, because their holes are all I know. I don’t know jack about creation. I just know it makes better sense to me than evolution. And I don’t disbelieve in evolution (as a theory of origin, I do believe that natural selection and survival of the fittest are realities) because I am a Christian. I disbelieve in the theory of evolution because there are too many holes.

In the same way, I do not believe that premarital or extramarital or promiscuous sex is wrong because I am a Christian (I am a fan of extra marital sex, just not extramarital sex). I believe that it is wrong because a) the results, and b) the inconsistency of those who believe in it.

The Results

I was once taught by a youth pastor (who is now my brother in law) this, and I memorized it:

“A wrong decision has an immediate positive consequence and a long-term negative consequence, whereas a right decision has an immediate negative consequence and a long-term positive consequence.”

So what are the results?

a)      Children who have one parent instead of two (nothing against single moms, because single moms are hard-working MACHINES of women whose work ethic is greatly deserving of respect, and thus, they are greatly deserving of respect. But they know even better than we know: It is not a preferable situation).

b)      Children who have two households instead of one. Now, before I get totally attacked, I know that this is not entirely attributed to premarital sex by any means. There are a lot of reasons why parents split up and divorce. However, there is such a thing as couples that end up together (because they’ve started having sex, so they stick together even if they aren’t a match) OR they get pregnant and get married, and then divorce years later.

c)      Mistrust: There are couples that have premarital sex and make it, but those couples (when they tell their story to me) consistently talked about how a mistrust had snuck its way in to their relationship that they had to work past. These married couples I talked to who had been sexually active before marriage advised against premarital sex.

d)      High expectations and disappointment: For some reason, part of the turn-on of premarital/extramarital sex is “We’re breaking the rules!” The couples that maintained virginity until marriage, well, the pleasure was all they knew. The couples that had sex before they were married actually started to feel disappointed, because something changed when they got married. The “badassness” went away, when that used to be a turn-on. Now, if you see that as an argument for premarital sex and not against it (because of the turn-on factor), keep in mind that excitement has an end. Go down that route and you’ll never be satisfied. Law of diminishing returns takes place.

e)      Destroyed relationships: If you don’t know my story, you should just know that I totally messed up here, in the past. I will also have you know that after messing up in the past, I successfully did not touch Sarah until we were married. Which was 8 months of dating followed by a 10 month engagement. Am I bragging? Actually, not at all. Because you know what kept me motivated? I knew that these above factors would take place if I breached that trust, but I also knew that if I touched her I would lose her.

Here’s what sucks about it. I believe that one of the best rules you can live by is to have no secrets. As soon as you start playing around, no matter what caliber, you two have a secret. And that’s where the mistrust comes in…you feel like you have friends you can trust, but you get paranoid as to whether she will tell. So you both sit through a sermon about confessing, about how you should tell friends who can keep you accountable and not lie. And you know telling is a good thing because it’s honest, and when you think about telling a friend or a pastor, it’s difficult, but the right thing to do. But then you decide, “No.”

But then, you look over at her (Or him, depending on who is reading this). And you know that the same struggle is going on in her/his head. But what if she tells the pastor/her friend? Are you going to be the jerk who tells them not to tell? Or what if you tell? Suddenly, you’re stuck in this world, and who knows when you’ll make the opposite decision? Who knows when you’ll switch?

And you can actually see the relationship with friends/family change. The girl’s head hangs a little lower when talking to her mom. She talks a little less. The guy doesn’t talk to his youth pastor the same way.

Let me shorten it: It SUCKS.

Thus, the results: Immediate positive? (Sex and playing around feels GREAT! Waiting for it feels…like waiting.) Check. Long-term negative? Check. That registers in my book as a wrong decision.

Coming soon: Part II – The inconsistencies